BIPOLAR IN BLOOM

STAYING STANDING IN A CHEMICALLY IMBALANCED WORLD

The Slough of Despond

I haven’t written in a while – perhaps because I can’t even seem to access/wrap my head around whats happening or perhaps I’m scared of fully investigating/partially excepting it. I am in the depths of clinical depression, have been for weeks (at least) now, and nothing is helping. I can’t seem to get to even the edges of it to grasp hold and shake it violently into submission.

All I want to do is cry. All the time. But I don’t – hardly ever. It’s almost like I’m in shock and if I really let myself be vulnerable enough to just bawl, well who knows what would happen. Maybe it would be cathartic. Maybe it would send me spiraling deeper into the depths and lead to me staring blankly at the bare cracked paint peeling walls of a mental hospital – again. Which is significantly more complex of a situation at the moment seeing as I’m under consideration for a job at my local hospital and showing up in their psych ward – again – would most likely not bode too terribly well. Oh, the horrible irony.

I go to therapy 3x/week. Every week. 2 group sessions and 1 individual. I see my psychiatrist and take my meds – which seem to be an ever expanding cocktail of antidepressants which still won’t keep this at bay. Last time I felt this coming on I was put on Remeron (Mirtazapine) which seemed to take the edge off. 2 weeks ago I went in reporting worsening depression and inability to sleep soundly (despite the nightly cocktail which includes Melatonin, Latuda, Remeron, Buspar and Klonopin already) and Trazadone was added to the cocktail. Told to take 1-2 nightly PRN until this (whatever this is) subsides. NO CHANGE. None.

I don’t get it. I have health insurance and good care, never miss an appointment, take every prescription given to me as directed, have a fairly good support system, but I’m still constantly what can only be described as miserable. Even if I’m out doing something with a friend it’s noticeable that something is really off-kilter. I don’t look forward to anything. I even just got back from a few days at the beach with family as my birthday present and could barely even take anything in. Actually, while I was there I felt an insurmountable pressure to relax and unwind and enjoy – which of course just made the whole situation worse. I did cry one night there to my mom – that I didn’t understand, I just wanted to be happy, to enjoy, and I felt  like I was ungrateful for the whole experience. My mom advised that I might be putting too much pressure on the idealization of “happiness” but that’s not it… I’m not looking for unbridled joy, just to not feel soul crushingly miserable.

I can barely force myself to get out of the house or socialize – it doesn’t help that I have so much free time on my hands. I did actually try to schedule some things in to make getting out of bed worthwhile – but then I just ignore them. There is an actual indent in my couch. I can feel the springs and wooden beam as clearly and ever presently as the lump in my throat. I sit in the indent now, even as I type – because what’s the point of moving anywhere else? Its not like anything will be better. I have one of my favorite bands playing (Jane’s Addiction, if you’re curious) – music that in a previous lifetime would have me up and dancing around, prodding me with memories of concerts, and instead its just a reminder that I couldn’t get up and dance even if I tried or cared.

Mostly this is paralyzingly frightening. And I know those close to me are really starting to worry and get, like me, perplexed over what more can be done, if anything. I feel very alone in all of this though logically I know other people suffer and that most likely this will not last forever (literally the last hope that I cling to). But geezus this has been going on a long time with no glimmer of a breakthrough despite everyone’s best efforts.

I’m terrified of how little I care about anything.

And still I sit here with the lump in my throat – unable to cry.

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3 comments on “The Slough of Despond

  1. Kitt O'Malley
    October 26, 2014

    Possible that Trazadone not working yet, or that not working for you. How about calling pdoc to reevaluate, or see another pdoc for 2nd opinion. Maybe need anti-psychotic like Abilify. Or, if Remeron worked in past, Remeron. Good luck.

    Like

    • catrionalunsford
      October 26, 2014

      On Remeron, I think Trazadone is actually making things worse… will call tomorrow

      Liked by 1 person

      • Kitt O'Malley
        October 27, 2014

        Glad to hear. Important to keep communication open with pdoc when meds not working. Good luck.

        Liked by 1 person

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