A shaky stability

Its been months since I’ve written. In that time I was plagued by what I’m told are called “ruminations” – rapid fire arguments inside my head that paralyzed decision making, even things as mundane as what to eat for lunch or whether I’d rather sit on the couch or lounge in bed. It was exhausting and all consuming. It got to a point where I had to ask my therapist what constituted “hearing voices” because the arguments in my head were so severe. I was barely keeping my head above water – then I started sinking. I think I just couldn’t take it anymore. Luckily my therapist was of the opinion that something was off with my medications if I was having such severe symptoms with no relief ever (and I do mean never) and got in touch with my psychiatrist about it. Waiting for my appointment with the psychiatrist I very nearly checked myself into the hospital I was so bad, but stopped myself because I knew my treatment team would do what was best for me and remembered the horror of my last stay in a psych ward, when things only got worse. But I was terrified I was losing my mind and about to end up manic strapped down in a padded room and that it was only a matter of time.

When I saw my Dr I basically begged to be put back on Lithium. (I was yanked off of it after the hospital fiasco last time due to a terrifying lab result) My Dr agreed to put me back on it and I felt almost instant relief – at least when it came to the arguing in my head anyways. I was able to think more clearly, actually make decisions about what to do with my day, and even cleaned up my whole bedroom in half an hour. My therapist was impressed that I finally went to a Buddhist center I’ve been talking about for months and was able to sit through a 2 hour service without panicking or overthinking. Its like I was just kinda floating through life.

Unfortunately I think that set some sort of higher standard that I’m having trouble living up to. Ive had my lithium upped twice now and am on what should be a stable dose and everyone keeps talking about how stable I am – but I don’t particularly feel stable. But maybe I dont know what stable feels like anymore? I feel like a should be some sort of super productive up and at em wonder woman to be honest. Like if I could clean my bedroom in half an hour then why don’t I keep going and clean a room a day or something?

Granted I got sick about a week after starting the lithium – really awful miserable winter virus nothing you can do but wait it out sick – and I try to tell myself that being sick is why my energy was drained and why all i wanted to do was lay in bed and why I felt so miserable. On the flip side though, I guess If I wasn’t “stable” I would be in bed weeping over being sick. Thing is, yesterday and today I’m feeling better and I’m still nowhere near wonder woman status. I slept til 2 today – but then again I haven’t been sleeping well for weeks because I couldn’t breathe. However of course then I felt like shit for wasting half the day and had no motivation so I escaped to my mom’s to pick up laundry and leftovers and was immediately called out by my mom for seeming fairly depressed. I’m just not really sure whats going on, I know Ive been quiet and reserved over the holidays but I think its just because Ive been a little calmer? I just feel like I dont have a lot to say. Even my last couple therapy sessions I havent really had much to say which is certainly a huge difference.

So basically I’m better in some ways but somehow now there’s a new something “off” that I think is really me being my own worst critic but easier said than to fix for sure.

One comment on “A shaky stability

  1. Kitt O'Malley
    December 29, 2014

    A shaky stability sounds like an improvement. Wish you the best as you build a firmer foundation for your stability.

    Liked by 1 person

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