Do you GET it?

…the difference between liking to sleep in and seeing no reason to ever get out of bed,

…the difference between not feeling like cooking and not seeing the point in feeding yourself at all.

…the difference between the house getting a little messy and not bringing yourself to care enough to fix it.

I could go on and on but my point is, no one seems to really be able to fathom the horrors of being trapped in a real, true, clinical depression unless they themselves have experienced it. I’ve been trying to explain lately – to reach out a little for help or comfort – only to find that well meaning friends and family simply can’t wrap their heads around it, which only makes me feel more alone in my despair.

Yes, my therapist knows, Yes, my doctor knows. Yes, I’m trying some coping strategies…I got out of bed today, didn’t I? But most of all NO I CANNOT WILL MYSELF INTO HAVING THE MOTIVATION TO CLEAN MY APARTMENT, And yes, I am frustrated beyond frustrated and am at my wits end with this.

I take my medications (though last night I seriously considered not) which includes a cocktail of THREE antidepressants – Latuda, Remeron, and Wellbutrin. The Wellbutrin was supposed to drag me out of this ridiculous haze – it has yet to show any promise, but I still have to wait the full 6 weeks it may take to take effect before my doctor will do anything about the dose. I see my doctor regularly – never missed an appointment. I go to therapy THREE TIMES A WEEK – once for individual, twice for group sessions – so COME ON. I’m doing everything I can force myself to try to do – I’m trying to wake up early every day and make a cup of coffee in hopes that forces in motion tend to stay in motion, but that has yet to really work. I’m trying to eat half decently which is really a farce because all I can handle preparing is something microwaveable, plus on top of that Ive figured out I’m making myself psychosomatically deathly sick on my stomach for the past few months – but only when Im ALONE and AT HOME. My body is rejecting the situation I’m in in any way it can.

Basically it comes down to this – Im not sure I have ever felt quite so down and out. I find joy in nothing, all I ever want is to escape – but even when I do I’m not exactly the life of the party, I let the other person talk, feed off of their energy for as long as I can. I ran into a friend at the mall the other day and with a quick hello she became so concerned she contacted my mother to see if I was alright. Things are getting bad out here, folks – and theres no end in sight.


2 comments on “Do you GET it?

  1. dyane
    March 8, 2015

    I’m so sorry, sweet bipolar in bloom. I have felt the way you describe so well many, many times. I wish I could give you a hug. Have you tried ECT? I have had both unilateral after my Dad died, and bilateral when I went off lithium, and it helped. Also, the old-school antidepressant Parnate (an MAOI or monoamine oxidase inhibitor) helped me enormously over the long-term in tandem with lithium, which was shown to improve its effect to work with medication-resistant bipolar depression. Perhaps you could discuss these options with your psychiatrist? In any case, please don’t give up. I almost did. It will get better.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. blahpolar
    March 8, 2015

    Yes! !! You express it so well. I’m sorry you’re going through it though.

    Liked by 1 person

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This entry was posted on March 7, 2015 by in Bipolar, BPD, Coping, Depression, mental health, Mood Swings and tagged , , , , .

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