This is what I was worried about – that I’m supposed to be BETTER when just “better” should be enough. 2 weeks ago I was checking myself into a mental hospital and going through the final stages of hell that usually lead to any kind of awakening from a long drawn out time of general darkness and immobility. I am doing more things for myself – I AM. I took a walk and read a book of poetry under a tree. I wrote poetry while listening to music from a computer I had to put together during a rainstorm. I went to the grocery store to get things for actual recipes (not microwaveable crap) and then I actually cooked – IN THE OVEN. Last night I cut up 2lbs of strawberries after putting away dishes that had been laying out since before I went into the hospital. I’ve gone back and forth with my doctors, the state assistance office, and medicaid because they massively screwed up my insurance and still made it to work on time all week – most of the time showered. I both got AND OPENED my mail. I took my flat-tired bicycle to my mother’s house in search of a tire pump. I’m sitting here blogging. I made plans to go to a beginner’s crochet group AND went and bought the yarn etc.

So here’s the thing. When I get lonely or confused or immobilized still – I don’t think it should be expected that I magically come out of a week in a the hospital with a couple med changes as Wonder Woman, running around my apartment, doing everything an adult is expected to do all of a sudden, being super productive with every moment of my day – because there are just still some times I’m going to end up in my bed staring at the ceiling. But hey, maybe thats better than curling up in bed under the covers blocking out the world every chance I get like I used to.

This isnt to say that I wont end up vacuuming or some such nonsense this evening. But I can’t breathe with all the pressure that seems to come down on me sometimes.

I just need a little understanding that I feel is lacking, is all. If I’m reaching out to someone and telling them how I’m feeling I’m obviously a) already upset or confused b) extremely vulnerable.


2 comments on ““better”

  1. lilypup
    March 27, 2015

    Good for you in your really active recovery mode. A slip is just fine.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Writingofpassage
    March 30, 2015

    Take it at your own pace Hun 🙂


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This entry was posted on March 27, 2015 by in Bipolar, BPD, Coping, Coping Skills, Depression, Irrational Thinking, mental health and tagged , , , .

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