The act of being observed

Just hear me out here. Ive been through some crazy shit these last few months, but we’ll get to that in another post. Lets just say my level of anxiety is beyond out of control.

Just today, Ive taken 2 klonopin (I had almost weened myself totally off them), choked down a teaspoon of Kratom, smoked by CBD vape, done breathing exercises, cuddled myself in a dark blanket fort, took a long hot shower with loud music – all to handle a day of…nothing.

Look, I know I’m my own harshest critic, and that I perceive being judged even when I’m not, but when the judgement and criticism keeps getting dropped around like fairy dust I can’t take my mind. I live in fear of moving, breathing, any perceptions – even if I know I’m doing what is best for my life.

I need to be living on my own again. Bless my mom for taking me in, I love her and she’s amazing, but I need to breathe. Even tonight, locked in the bathroom screaming along to Alanis Morisette, finally starting to relax muscles spasming from stress and breathe enough to lower my pulse below 110 for the first time all day, in an instant it was all replaced with “Mom’s going to realize this is weird, she’s going to know I’m upset and there’ll be questions, I need to get upstairs to take my meds, don’t cry…” and when I got upstairs, quietly got in a nice nightie, and stuck an ice pack on my head (this week’s therapy advice is that extreme changes in temperature can quickly decrease intense emotions) I of course got the concerned “Are you ok? You seem to be having a tough day…” and all I wanted to do was scream LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!

How messed up is that?

In the same instant I want to collapse right there on the floor and bawl and beg to be held.




3 comments on “The act of being observed

  1. EllenL
    January 2, 2018

    I hear you. I had to just get in my car and cry yesterday. Sometimes I’m okay with not being okay and I just need to get it all out without the added pressure of worrying anyone.


  2. Haylee
    January 11, 2018

    I’ve been there it’s hell. The one thing I always tell myself is life changes. It won’t always be horrible it will eventually change. Therapist always say get a routine exercise eat well and go out I hated hearing it when it’s hard to get out of bed and take a shower or do laundry. It does work though. Hang tuff


    • BPinBloom
      January 11, 2018

      Routine is soooooo necessary for me. As for the rest, I’m working on it but slowly so I don’t judge myself to harshly. Luckily this time it isn’t depression, it’s out of control anxiety. My dr/therapist assure me events of the past month (including hitting an 80yr old jaywalking pedestrian wearing all black in the middle of the night with my car, 2 insanely dangerous and traumatizing situations at work, plus the holidays) would make someone made of stone begin to crumble, so the fact I’m still functioning at all is a miracle of modern medicine. Thanks for the support.


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This entry was posted on January 2, 2018 by in Anxiety, Bipolar, Coping, Coping Skills, Irrational Thinking, mental health, Mood Swings, Panic.

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