STAYING STANDING IN A CHEMICALLY IMBALANCED WORLD
So, things we good. Had a great job that I actually loved and made me feel like I had purpose in the world. Finally found a place of my own, applied for it, and got approved for an apartment to get out of my mom’s house, where I have been since last time I was hospitalized about 3 years ago. (To be fair, I then had to file for disability, then mom had a hip replacement, then I had not one but two back surgeries…) I even got the results of GeneSight testing from my psychiatrist showing that one of my main meds wasn’t binding with my DNA properly (Concerta) and switched to one that would (Strattera) and my whole mind instantly became more orderly – the Times Square ticker tapes in my head slowed to a crawl and only showed one thing at a time. Oh, and out of nowhere, my doctor recommended me for gastric bypass surgery, sent me to a specialist, AND my insurance approved it. I was saving almost all of my paychecks toward moving, put most of my (albeit small) tax return in savings too, and have been diligent about budget tracking with the awesome little ledger I was given for Christmas. Did I mention I was even trying to quit smoking by switching to vaping? Hell, I hemmed my curtains!
Last Friday, I got a call from my boss (directly AFTER walking out of my weekly therapy appt, of course) to set a meeting for Monday. I was then told not to come in for my regular hours Saturday and Sunday. I racked my brain allllllll weekend for what I had done wrong, but didn’t lose it (mentally or otherwise). Friends and family desperately tried to keep me occupied. I binged season 2 of Mr. Robot as a coping mechanism because you HAVE to focus all your mental energy on the show to keep track of the plot. (In retrospect, after the great facebook outage of 2019, I kinda wish I wasn’t so informed on hacking.) I spent a day out with mom. I picked out a power outfit for the Monday meeting.
So, on Monday, in the span of a whole 2 minutes of a meeting, I was fired. I have basically no idea why except for one sentence in a termination letter, and even that sentence is confusing. I would love to talk about it more but until I find out how to absolutely lock down a post so it can’t be seen except for those I approve, so that will have to wait. I was so shocked that I walked out without even asking to get my own items from the office.
I called a friend who immediately met me for ESIC (Emotional Support Ice Cream) and distracted me with tales from her life. I somehow managed to realize that I had to go to the County Assistance Office and file a change in employment status so my health insurance wasn’t affected, then walk over to the CareerLink office to file for unemployment and check out their services. I cancelled my Wednesday hair appt to save money (and also maybe I shouldn’t have freshly died eggplant purple hair while interviewing) and cancelled a survey I was supposed to participate in on Tuesday. I even called my therapist and managed to get in the next day rather than wait until Friday. I was basically ordered by the CareerLink people to go home and rest.
At least Project Runway was on.
So, my therapist, as well as everyone else in my life, are flabbergasted at how I’m handling this while maintaining some semblance of stability. Basically, I don’t have the time or the energy to get pissed off & angry. I just have to slowly stagger forward. She gave me some good advice – take a little bit to really think about what I liked about my job, what I didn’t like, and use that to build an idea of what I want to do next. Kinda like what we do through dating… liked that bit but hated that bit, etc.
So, rather than give you a litany list of the last few days, I’ll just say that I’ve been trying to do one life accomplishment (laundry, grocery shopping, etc), one at least semi happy thing (read a magazine, work on an art project, go see a friend) and one job related thing (aptitude tests, signing up for job search websites, working on resume) each day. So far its kinda working out.
It helps that Project Runway’s on. Its stellar background TV.
Then I got a call from my gynecologist yesterday afternoon that my pap came back with “high grade, high volume abnormal cells” and I have to have a biopsy. Now, normally I wouldn’t freak, but I’ve had this happen before, I had HPV for at least 3 years after my jackass of an abusive jerk of an ex in my late 20s, I had 2 colposcopies (biopsies) then. If you’re wondering the details of such a procedure, imagine yourself in stirrups with the speculum in while they spray (literally) Heinz vinegar onto your cervix then when your cervix changes colors they cut those bits out for biopsy while said vinegar runs into the open wounds then you drip vinegar blood for a day or two while you wait to find out if you have cancer. Great stuff. I wouldn’t be concerned except my paps have been clear for years so this is a random new occurrence. Did I mention my mom had had cervical cancer at 36, and I’m 35?
Anyways, my “breakdown” after the “Seriously???” of the universe adding a biopsy on top of everything else consisted of calling my mom and asking her to pick up Chinese. In the grand scheme, not too bad.
Oh, and I watched Project Runway.
So, things are pretty shitty. But I still have health insurance through disability, one of the reasons I fought so hard for so many years for that benefit. The snow is finally melting and the days are nicer, giving me a little more motivation. This all conveniently happened over daylight savings, when I normally go off the rails manic, so the suckiness of it all is likely somehow balancing me out. I had already been saving. I haven’t moved yet, so I don’t have to freak over not being able to pay rent to a landlord, I just have to sort out a plan for a different payment structure to my mom. I’ve been working hard on my self worth, radical acceptance, and non-judgement in therapy which really came in handy.
Plus, at least I have time to watch 5 seasons of Project Runway. And give a speech to mom’s plants to go ahead and turn green and bloom as if I was Churchill.
And start blogging again after all these years.
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